Hello. It’s been awhile since we last talked. I’ve been here, trying to take care of myself, and manage the parts I can’t handle. I’ve been busy working on my college ministry, relearning how to drive my van which my church bought for me, continuing the long process of physical and occupational therapies and rehabilitation, focusing on the pastor in training program I’m in, as well as beginning to learn how to be a counselor. I’ve probably been keeping myself a little too busy, and and just recently began to focus on slowing down, focusing my attention inward on my own faith and development.
Two and a half years ago, my injury brought me to a place that was very unfamiliar to me. I found myself no longer able to cover up my weaknesses. As a performer, and even as a worship leader, my abilities as a musician and my natural charisma as a leader were a big part of my identity. To go from having a pretty good idea of what I thought God wanted me to do with my life, to starting all over again, was in and of itself a kind of physical, emotional, and mental rebirth. Learning to dress myself, brush my teeth, feed myself, was only the beginning. What is this reality I’m now living in, and who is the new person I’ll become?
In the months that I’ve been away from this blog, Twitter, Facebook, etc. I’ve been focusing on trying to make sense of all that I’ve lost, and what I have left. With each answer I get, It seems like 10 more questions come up. Instead of blogging my journey along the way, I’ve been filling hundreds of paper pages with everything that is going on inside of me. However, there are a couple of things that have become abundantly, profoundly clear in the last four months that I feel like writing about. The first has to do with me as a person, my character, and my flaws. The stress and pressure of living with a relatively new spinal injury compounded my old rivals: anger and impatience. These two emotions tend to lead me to the temptation to lash out to hurt and blame people nearby. Struggling with Tetraplegia has allowed me to take a good look in the mirror, and sometimes what I see is incredibly ugly.
At first, and even still now, having lost my ability to play and sing led to an enormous buildup of emotional energy. My heart became like a pressure cooker on the verge of exploding. Slowly, I began to find other ways to express what was inside of me. I began to write short stories, to work on my book, and to journal many times a day. Then I began to pick up photography. Figuring out ways to use different kinds of cameras as well as writing longhand helped me to use the energy and passion that I have inside me, as well as to express the raw pain, anger, and sadness that I still experience on a regular basis. For me, the process of grieving has been cyclical. I go back and forth through shock, bargaining with God, asking why, as well as acceptance of the changes in my reality.
The life that I knew as a professional, recording musician and vocational worship leader has slowly faded over time, but the dream lives on inside my heart even though I can’t play, and singing is a chore at best. So after 2 1/2 years of living with my injury, I’m closing up shop, and closing the doors on music. It feels strange to retire from my musical career at 29, after a decade of chasing my dreams. Although I wish things were not this way, I feel as though I’m standing(?) on the platform waving with what little energy I have left to a train that is merely speck on the horizon. So… goodbye music, I love you, I’ll miss you, I cry for you, you taught me many lessons, and I won’t forget you…
There is much more behind this as you might guess, but I don’t have the time or desire to write it all down.
Though I am not Catholic, I’ve never forgotten this act of contrition from my years in Catholic school. Right now, these words say what I mean…
O MY GOD, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee, and I detest all my sins because I dread the loss of Heaven and the pains of Hell; but most of all because they offend Thee, my God, Who art all-good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of Thy grace, to confess my sins, to do penance, and to amend my life. Amen.
